Let’s Talk About Resilience

So, I dabble in camping. Tent camping. It’s kind of always been a part of my life, though my parents had an RV when I was growing up and that kind of camping looks a little bit different than tent camping – it resembles more glamping. I’ve really only been tent camping for the last decade or so, but it’s been something I have wanted to share with my kids since before I had kids. “It will be good for them!” “It will build some character!” I thought.

Then I started camping with toddlers, and I realized that it was as much about building character in me, as it was about building character in them.

Let me explain. We like to be agile in our tent camping, meaning that we often don’t make reservations and rely on first come first served spots or dispersed camping. That way we can change up plans or bail easily, and with toddlers, plans are always in flux. That also means that we are arriving at a destination after a decently long drive, and we don’t know where we’re going or where we’re sleeping. There’s uncertainty, there’s pent up toddler energy, and there’s stress about finding a good site with enough shade where our toddlers won’t hurl themselves off of a precipitous drop off. It can be stressful, right?

And boy did I exude stress. The packing, the planning, the sheer amount of snacks that needed to be purchased for this kind of excursion was a lot. During our last camping trip, as my husband and I got less and less patient with our kids and ourselves while driving around aimlessly trying to find a suitable campsite, it dawned on me. If my kids always see me stressed when we’re camping (because of the packing, the uncertainty, etc.) this isn’t building their resilience. It’s building their stress response to uncertainty and their lack of grit when things don’t go according to plan.

I needed to change up how I handled it. I needed to model embracing the adventure that tent camping with toddlers inherently is. There’s always something new to discover, some new favorite place that will become a core memory for everyone, or some hilarious story that’s only hilarious after the fact. I had to show them the joy in the process over the stress of the uncertainty.

Some Perspective on Resilience:

Resilience is a process, not a trait. You don’t “arrive” at resilience. That’s always how it’s been, from its earliest inception by pioneers in the field. It’s something you are constantly working toward. In every situation. Sometimes it is easier for us to roll with the hard things or the changes, and sometimes we struggle. This isn’t a lack of the character trait of resilience, but a fact of life.

Resilience is modeled, not necessarily taught. There are so many books, podcasts, blogs (yes I know I am one of them!) on how to build resilience in kids, but it’s not something that can be learned in a workbook or by listening and talking about it with our kids. It’s something that’s seen and felt. We watch the adults around us model how we deal with hard things, and we feel what happens to our bodies when we are able to overcome a challenge.

Resilience is highly related to how good you feel about your ability to handle hard things. Why did I get so stressed about camping? Because I was worried that if I forgot something, or if we didn’t get the ideal campsite, then it was all going to fall apart. I felt like I couldn’t handle it if things went south. And my kids saw that. Even at a very young age. It taught them that hard things are scary, not that hard things are just parts of life that we grind through.

So, if you’re one of the millions of parents who want to build resilience in your kids, start paying attention to it in yourself. Talk to your kids about how you are handling the hard things, and be clear that you are confident that you can do the hard thing.