What's getting in the way of your parenting?

Many of us are not showing up as the parents we want to be. At times, we can torture ourselves with grief and shame, ruminating on the fact that we know we aren’t doing the best we can at this job. 

I’ve been all up in that pool of grief and shame–floated on the top, sank to the bottom, and dove head first. And I’ve sat there with many parents. Why do we keep coming here, into these familiar waters? 

To be honest, I don’t really know. But one thing that lurks subtly under the surface, and is detrimental to our parenting, is this feeling that we should (naturally) know how to parent.

Sit with it for a minute. Does it resonate at all? 

I feel like there is this subtly sneaky message in society that if you are a parent, you should know how to parent. After all, we did choose this path. 

This matters. If parenting is viewed as a have-it-or-not thing, then parents may experience shame when they inevitably don’t have it (and all of us go through times of absolutely not having it). That shame can transform into depression (I’m such a bad parent), isolation (I’m the only one who can’t do it), and anger (why won’t they just do what I’m telling them to!), none of which are going to help us be better parents.

Further, when we perceive that we are not good at something that we are supposed to be good at, it can prevent us from accessing help. We might have thoughts like: Will I be judged for how I’m parenting? Will my doctor/therapist/coach understand my experience/my kid? Will they tell me I am a bad parent? Will they tell me I’m messing my child up? 

If these questions and fears go unquestioned and unexplored, we will not reach our potential as parents. 

To appeal to the those of you who resonate with data and research, there have been studies coming out about the specific and significant brain changes that happen when you become a parent (for both moms and dads). If you were supposed to know how to do this, why would your brain change and grow so much after becoming a parent? Shouldn’t this have been hard wired already?

Hear me loud and clear, you SHOULD NOT know how to parent. Your brain is still growing and changing to accommodate this unique and beautiful stage of life. And you’re not a bad parent, but you don’t need me to tell you that. You need yourself to tell you that. 

When you catch yourself in this shame spiral, or in the loneliness of feeling like you’re the only one who can’t do it, can you extend yourself some compassion? I promise you that it’s okay to not know how to parent sometimes, and we were never supposed to parent in as isolated of a way as we do. Reach out and let’s normalize getting the help we need as parents. Our kids will notice.

Author

​Dr. Danielle Mohr is a licensed psychologist at Wolff Child Psychology. She specializes in comprehensive evaluations for children, teens, and young adults, and she conducts regular individual and family sessions.