Validation Myth Busting
Imagine this: It’s Monday morning. You’ve just made your coffee (you actually remembered today) exactly the way you like it, and after wrestling everyone into the car with their backpacks and lunches, you are finally on your way to start your work day. You think about how good that coffee is going to taste and how much you need it. You reach for it, but you hit a pothole in the road and the top goes flying off, spilling coffee everywhere – on your car, your work clothes, and your computer.
After you get home that night, your partner asks how your day was. You share the story about the spilled coffee, and how rough it was to start your day/week that way. Your partner asks you, “well why didn’t you make sure the lid was on?” and “why did you hit that pothole?” and “why are you being so negative about it?”
Imagine if instead your partner said, “wow that really sucks. I bet you really wanted that coffee,” or, “what a tough way to start the day.”
Sit with these two lines of thinking/questioning for a moment. What response are coming up for you?
The latter scenario is an example of validation. Some of you may have said to yourselves, “who talks like that?” Or “what an oddly specific thing to say.” Validation is a tricky concept. It tends to stir up strong reactions in people, and many people have different definitions of what it means to “validate.” Many of us did not have good models for how to do this, which further complicates our ability to do it with our kids.
And yet, I think validation is one of the most helpful parenting tactics we can learn how to master, especially to support emotion regulation.
Myth: Validating means that you agree with the behavior/feeling.
I hear this one a lot, and parents get stuck here a lot. Validation does NOT mean that you agree with the behavior/reaction/feeling. It means that you SEE the behavior/reaction/feeling, and that it makes sense FOR THAT CHILD.
Emotions are our body’s way of responding to the environment, and so emotions are always telling us something that’s worth listening to.
Myth: Validating will increase the undesirable behavior/reaction/feeling.
Lots of parents feel like giving “attention” to big feelings/reactions/behaviors will increase their frequency.
Think of it as giving attention to the NEED that is underneath that big feeling/reaction/behavior. When we are getting to the heart of what our children need, we will be more successful at decreasing undesirable behavior and helping our kids regulate more effectively. Really.
When we say, “that sucks,” we are helping meet our children’s need for connection and compassion. When we say, “that totally makes sense that you were upset by X,” we are getting at our children’s need to be seen and understood. When we offer these experiences to our children (feeling connected and understood, receiving compassion) we are building the foundation necessary for all sorts of positive outcomes, like emotion regulation, empathy, and cooperation.
Myth: Validating means saying that you get it.
Ok, this is a partial myth. Sometimes, saying that you get someone’s experience can be helpful. But for others (I’m looking at you teenagers), it’s not helpful.
It helps when I say to my toddler, “I get it. Bed time is tricky! It’s hard to stop doing something fun and go lay down in a dark room by yourself.”
It does not help when I say to my teenage client “I get it. I remember how difficult it was to navigate friendships at that age.” Because even though it might have been difficult for me, it’s a whole new ball game for this generation, and every individual’s experience is unique.
Myth: Validating makes me a weak or less effective parent
Many parents question how they may be perceived if they are validating their children’s feelings instead of responding with more “authority.” Responding with validation and with the ability to see our child’s deeper needs takes a lot more effort and skill than doling out a punishment. To validate effectively, we have to be able to regulate ourselves, understand and intuit the needs of our children, and connect with them. This is a heck of a lot more herculean than telling someone to stop doing/feeling a certain way.
Take-Aways
The heart of validation is:
Hey, I can see that you’re having a feeling/reaction, and that feeling/reaction makes sense based on what’s happening right now/what’s happened in your life/your skill set at this time.
We are validating feelings and needs, which are universal and appropriate, not behaviors.
Examples of Validation:
- That sounds really sad/hard.
- That totally makes sense.
- That sucks.
- I get why you made that choice in that moment.
- You’re allowed to feel like that.
- I know it’s disappointing when ____.
See if you can find more ways to validate. The great thing about this skill, is you can do it with anyone in your life! Notice how it feels for you – and fair warning, it might be hard and it might feel weird, especially if no one has ever really done this for you. Notice the response from others. And stay grounded in the function of this skill – to tame big feelings and to build connection and trust.
Author
Dr. Danielle Mohr is a licensed psychologist at Wolff Child Psychology. She specializes in comprehensive evaluations for children, teens, and young adults, and she conducts regular individual and family sessions.